In an attempt to connect instead of isolate (hello fellow introverts and socially anxious individuals), staying transparent and vulnerable in this space is important to me. Lately, it feels like the world has become a harder and harder place to be. If you’re anything like me, it’s always been a challenge to stay consistently happy here, but the last few years it’s as if everything (and everyone) has had the subtle buzz of electricity just below the surface, ready to spark at any moment. Sharing these midweek contributions will be less about digging up history, and more about uncovering the raw, messy, and current state of being human in a very “charged” world.
I’m trying to reframe the idea of writing about myself as something that is more cathartic than uncomfortable. As a lifelong and avid reader, I’ve always loved to discover who the author is behind it all. So maybe it’ll be somewhat insightful for readers of this page to occasionally view their writer from a different lens with these midweek readings, especially when it comes to unloading some pretty heavy content on this platform every week.
Growing up in a pretty toxic and destitute household, my life has always seemed a bit messy. Part of the reality however, is that I've just never felt at “home” here. There’s been this everlasting sensation of being a square peg desperately trying to fit a round hole. Maybe it’s a result of the environment I grew up in, or the efforts it’s taken to try and conform to the harsh standards of this world. Regardless, I’ve always been a bit…bored. Or maybe just unimpressed with it all. (There has to be something more, right?!) Given this, I have a tenancy to run full force towards anything that catches my attention and dive in, feet first. Or maybe its head first…whichever is the most illogical. Most of my biggest decisions have all been made on a whim. I’ve literally lived life like I’m playing a game of darts in the dark—exhausted, but still hoping one day my dart finds the board.
Part of me used to hate that I never felt “settled” in life and that I didn’t quite fit the mold. But when I step back and look at the quintessential suburban American lifestyle with its housing developments and regurgitated house plans, working its 9-5’s, going through its second and third divorces, and pretending to be Christian on Sundays, it all feels a little too claustrophobic for me. No thank you. I can say these things with some certainty, because I tried them…well, most of them anyway. Looking back I think it was just to make sure it was all bullshit. And for me, it was.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever figure this place out, or if I’ll ever find a corner of this world that leaves me feeling grounded. But having the space here to speak about the highs and lows of life makes me feel a semblance of affection and romanticism for a world I do not tend to like very often. After all, aren’t we just looking for a place where we can feel a little bit more understood? My hope is that as you get to know me and read these stories each week, that you also feel the safety, compassion, and community that comes with sharing our whole messy truths with one another.
And whatever has led you to this chaotic space that allows me to unpack the unusual and sometimes hidden parts of my brain, welcome. Thank you for joining me on this adventure.